Coming Clean...

I wish that this would be good news to report. In that I would have some glorious reason for not blogging as of late or to have reason to show victory in any shape or form.

But that would not be true.

I have avoided this post because of it is a reflection of who I am and some of what comprises me isn't all that pretty. Along with behaviors and habits that are easy to perform in the dark and are shameful in the light.

There is a secondary portion to this Journey that I've started this year - it has a lot to do with my soul and how I really view myself. For all of the things that I would like to place in front of my friends, family and acquaintances of past successes, glowing qualities and other talents that would typify people who we deem as "got it all together" - I am not that person.


I've been reading a book called "Truefaced" (3 authors: Thrall, Lynch & McNicol) which deals with the Christian faith and leading a life not trying to please God, but to trust God. Which sounds fairly straight forward and to most people of the Christian faith, they would probably unanimously say that they do that. But I haven't. In fact, it's been at the core of some rather unhappiness in my life and bitterness towards religion and faith.

See, when a person lives trying to please God, that person lives a life of masks. No one wants to see someone hurting or struggling with some pretty serious issues in their life. We live the faith trying to do things to make others think that we've got it all together - because of course - problems belong to other people and not ourselves.

Or when we see stories of people hitting bottom where someone has seen the dark side of life with massive struggles with alcohol or drugs. And they tell their stories of being saved and they're inspiring, but almost always incompatible with the lives we lead.

For most of us live in our normal routines and share the realities of our existence with simple phrases like "I'm doing fine!" when in reality all things are not fine.

For what would happen if people found out who I really was? What if they knew that underneath all of the bravado and word craft that I deal with underlying guilt from past decisions, low self esteem and blown self confidence. Who would want to be around someone like that let alone find it in their heart to love someone with that kind of baggage.

That's basically me. Who responds to those underlying issues with eating behaviors and hiding my true nature from those who could really help me.

What I've learned through this discovery is that I am not unique - that everyone has deep issues that surround their lives that bubble to the surface into random behaviors that, as long as they're socially acceptable, no one really seems to mind too much. Such as a person who struggles with their weight.

For me, it's about trust. It's about trusting anyone out there with the true picture of what composes me, Ryan Skeesuck.

My insecurities, self image and confidence are the things that have played havoc with my eating habits. And I've come to a place in my life where I finally recognize that those are the core issues revolving around most of the challenges I have in my life. And I'm tired of being subject to their slavery any more.

So last night I decided that I need more structure and accountability to make this work and that through this journey, which up until this point was chronicling my glossy image of things, I can meet these feelings that have haunted my private life and conquer them. I'm teaming up with my wife to journal all things I eat and follow the Weight Watchers flex program. Within that, I'm watching the amount of sugar (and/or sugar substitutes that I ingest in a given day).

I realize that I do not have the strength to do this alone. In that I have to put the uglies out on the table and there will be a faction of you who will will understand this and will want to meet me there and others of you who will not feel that comfort and walk away. Which is fine with me - and I won't think less of you for doing such - life is an ugly business at times. I'm at a point where I'm more interesting in being real with myself and others.

In the mean time I'm off to a good start today - two glasses of water with a three egg omelet with lean ham, onions and green peppers. For my mid morning snack I've had a square of cheese and I feel that this is a true turning point in my life.

Thanks for sticking with me and letting me put it out on the table.
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I was seduced by a Ranch Hand...

I succumbed. I think I set myself up for failure with posting a damn sign of Burger West and then it got me thinking about it all day long. For those of you who have not had a Burger West Ranch Hand, you are missing out on the creme de la creme of old school drive-in burgers (insert Homer Simpson's "Mmmmmmm...arghhhaaa..." here).

When I was in Junior High, the school had an open campus policy so we could leave the premises at lunch hour and head across the street to said establishment. Back then (circa 1986), a Ranch Hand with Fries was a measly $1.75. I paid $3.75 this week. There's 20+ years of inflation for ya (which, is actually in line with a 3.5% inflationary rate which would lead to a double in price in about 20 years - not that you cared).

The Ranch Hand is a knock-off of a Big Mac, but better. I can't tell you why. And for those who know what I'm talking about probably are in the same predicament. I think it was those early year trots over to BW that lead to a lifetime of addiction. My brother who lives in S. Cal automatically heads to Burger West as soon as he's in town. It just isn't a visit without a Ranch Hand with Fries (or tots in my case), an extra tub of sauce and a scotch and soda. If you're really feeling in the mood, a chocolate malt or shake is also worth the calories.

And yes, it was Divine and I enjoyed every last bit of it. So do I feel guilty? A little, but not nearly as much as you'd think. It will be a while before I have one again, but it sure does bring back a whole lot of memories.

Burger West was started in the 60's as an Artic Circle and in the late 70's they went out on their own retooling the business a bit. It's been family owned the entire time with the daughters running the show nowadays. The establishment itself probably hasn't seen much in the way of any work done to it since it opened and to the uninitiated person, it's really a dive. But here's the stranglehold it has on the local population: a brand spankin' new Sonic went in across the street a couple of years ago and it folded shortly thereafter. BW still keeps chuggin' along.

I'm headed to Portland this weekend to celebrate a wedding of an old friend of mine so I'm sure that I'll blow any semblance of a diet from the beer that will be flowing. But that's OK. It's a marriage celebration! I won't be back until late Monday so I'll do the weigh in on Tuesday.

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Here's another Thursday check in and things are starting off OK. I had a bowl of Kashi Go Lean crunch this morning and some coffee. Today I'm headed over to my home town of Ontario, OR to visit my folks which can lead to some unnecessary snacking (my folks almost always have some sort of "treat" that is readily available to wandering stomach). May the force be with me.

I feel pretty good today despite the lack of consistent sleep last night. I do find that I am pretty tired at the end of a day when I'm watching the kids full time. It's truly amazing how much effort it takes to manage a household as a full time occupation. Cheers to all of you out there that do it.

What I do find is that being tired starts to make my stomach wander. Maybe it's the craving for the sugar lift so that my alertness at least is somewhat coherent. But I'm trying to keep good levels of protein and keep the carbohydrates in check so I don't crash and want more and more sugar-laden things (of which I have a propensity for).

And for you Ontarioites out there who grew up in the confines of O-town, the sweet siren call of my two favorite establishments are hard to resist: Belly Buster and Burger West. Of which, if you haven't had the treat to have eaten at said establishments, then you'll need to make the pilgrimage sometime in your life to eat a Belly Buster Sandwich and a Ranch hand with Fries (or tots!).

I'll let you know how it goes...
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Stranger than fiction...

Now I've taken some physics classes in my life - notably Mr. Thompson's at Ontario High School which I felt was rather comprehensive at the time - only to be usurped for my Physic 113/114 at Idaho wherein Dr. Brown covered all of Mr. Thompson's entire year of learning in the first two weeks. Thank god Dr. Brown graded on a curve or my "stellar" performance would have generated an encore performance of the undesirable type.

In physics, I learned that mass and weight are two different things - that my weight is tied to the gravitational pull of the earth. So where if I were to stand on the Moon's surface, I would weight about 1/3rd as much (I would like to propose the Lunar Pounds-Off Diet where you can instantly loose 2/3rds your weight in a four day trip...). But my mass isn't tied to gravitational pull - it is what comprises my body.

This morning I weighed in again to see if my 246 post Superbowl blow out extravaganza was a reality or some sort of fluke. Or that maybe the earth's gravitational pull has shifted somewhat in my favor, but I weighed in at 241 again. So I had a 5 lbs drop in 24 hours.

I want to know, where does it go? I didn't feel bloated nor do I feel I got rid of it via sweating or other bodily fluids. I had a normal day where I watched what I ate and drank some water. Where does 5 lbs. go?

Anywho - life imitates art and sometimes that art is abstract. Or maybe I just need to brush up on my Physics 101 again.

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I find it rather weird how "eating right" and what I feel is actually doing so aren't always the same thing. And how, after all of this time with diets being tried to all varying degrees that a system hasn't been agreed upon. But maybe that is the crux of the whole thing - that there isn't a universal silver bullet that cures all pains and remedies the waistline. We're all too different to expect much from that.

Take the person who has endocrine issues - a tiny fraction of a change in the thyroid can throw the whole thing off. Or emotional instability. Or genetic predispositions.

But whatever the issue is or could be, it still doesn't take away the ultimate responsibility of the person living with the issue and that a "new normal" may just be that awaited discover. Not that a person has to accept and live with an overweight body, but that self loathing isn't the solution either. You can dislike a resultant body without disliking yourself. To me, it's a consequence of poor decisions that I must remedy through diligence and hard work. And that to expect an immediate result without any effort isn't realistic. I imagine that the time it took to put the weight on will ultimately lead to the same amount of time required to take it off.

Maybe that's the appeal of pills or surgery that it's still avoiding the consequences of one's actions and that tomorrow is still too far away to wait for results.

I'm still looking for the issues of what drives the core decision making that leads to poor food behaviors. And as I uncover these I'll share them with you. Right now, I'm sure it's a bit of learned behavior from my youth and habits I picked up from my family, but also it's in how I choose to handle my emotions in that better management will help as well.

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Weigh in #3 & #4 (slippery slope leads to back sliding)

OK - I would think that being at home would actually spell out for actually more posts due to lack of things to do - but then again, that's me for having no clue to what a stay-at-home mom/dad actually does when there are two kids in the house under the age of three. So I haven't posted in a week or so and I'm behind on my weigh-in's - although I have done them so I'll post last weeks and today's in a combined post and try to get back onto a daily occurrence here.

Last Sunday (January 26th) - I weighed in at 241 so there was no change from the week prior. I'm not going to post those photos since they're they look the same anyway (and I figure you're getting the picture - probably to your dismay).

This week is puzzling (Feb 3rd) - I weighed in this morning at 246. That's up 5 lbs. in one week along with an overall net gain of one pound from when I started! Holy shit. The weird thing is that I don't feel "bigger" or bloated than I did at 245 a couple of weeks ago, but the proof is on the scale upstairs.

I do know that I had haven't been all that great in the last two weeks of actually being accountable. Maybe that has something to do with the frequency of my postings since this blog is only as good as me being honest and sometimes honesty can be avoided by just not posting. Guilt has a good way of reaching into all crevices of a person's life and facing reality is viewed as an admission of said guilt. So to put of posting is a way to avoid being accountable to all of you. For that, I apologize.

The Superbowl was yesterday and I gave myself a "free day" which, in the context of the last week, wasn't all that free other than I ate more yesterday than I have in a while. We had chili, cheese, artichoke dip with toasted brushetta, frosted banana bars, sugar cookies, soda, beer... You get the picture. Probably around 2000 calories just in the afternoon let along the morning and the snacking leading up to the party we hosted.

So it's possible that I'm retaining water to account for some of the weight gain and my wife had suggested that maybe I do another weigh in tomorrow morning to see if anything has changed. But it's really not the point. To be successful requires some dedication to the cause and that requires discipline.

I have somehow convinced myself that it's just a matter of thermodynamics - just eating less than I consume and the pounds should come off. That's true in every physical sense, but in that without an actual food journal for daily accountability, the "mental" notes of what's gone into the gullet aren't nearly as accurate. And when the memory slips, so do things into the mouth.

But I also have struggled with a cold turkey approach since I end up being governed by the long list of previously enjoyed foods that are now banned for life.

So I'm torn - I've found success on the South Beach Diet in the past and I've been recommended the Body For Life program. I'm thinking that the later may be the better plan (I own the book but haven't initiated the program in the past).

It's time to get back on the horse. I started off today with a bowl of oatmeal (which is filling) but I haven't planned out the rest of my eating plan today yet. Maybe I need to look at it as whole week plan so that my meals are in line with my goals and objectives.

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