Coming Clean...

I wish that this would be good news to report. In that I would have some glorious reason for not blogging as of late or to have reason to show victory in any shape or form.

But that would not be true.

I have avoided this post because of it is a reflection of who I am and some of what comprises me isn't all that pretty. Along with behaviors and habits that are easy to perform in the dark and are shameful in the light.

There is a secondary portion to this Journey that I've started this year - it has a lot to do with my soul and how I really view myself. For all of the things that I would like to place in front of my friends, family and acquaintances of past successes, glowing qualities and other talents that would typify people who we deem as "got it all together" - I am not that person.


I've been reading a book called "Truefaced" (3 authors: Thrall, Lynch & McNicol) which deals with the Christian faith and leading a life not trying to please God, but to trust God. Which sounds fairly straight forward and to most people of the Christian faith, they would probably unanimously say that they do that. But I haven't. In fact, it's been at the core of some rather unhappiness in my life and bitterness towards religion and faith.

See, when a person lives trying to please God, that person lives a life of masks. No one wants to see someone hurting or struggling with some pretty serious issues in their life. We live the faith trying to do things to make others think that we've got it all together - because of course - problems belong to other people and not ourselves.

Or when we see stories of people hitting bottom where someone has seen the dark side of life with massive struggles with alcohol or drugs. And they tell their stories of being saved and they're inspiring, but almost always incompatible with the lives we lead.

For most of us live in our normal routines and share the realities of our existence with simple phrases like "I'm doing fine!" when in reality all things are not fine.

For what would happen if people found out who I really was? What if they knew that underneath all of the bravado and word craft that I deal with underlying guilt from past decisions, low self esteem and blown self confidence. Who would want to be around someone like that let alone find it in their heart to love someone with that kind of baggage.

That's basically me. Who responds to those underlying issues with eating behaviors and hiding my true nature from those who could really help me.

What I've learned through this discovery is that I am not unique - that everyone has deep issues that surround their lives that bubble to the surface into random behaviors that, as long as they're socially acceptable, no one really seems to mind too much. Such as a person who struggles with their weight.

For me, it's about trust. It's about trusting anyone out there with the true picture of what composes me, Ryan Skeesuck.

My insecurities, self image and confidence are the things that have played havoc with my eating habits. And I've come to a place in my life where I finally recognize that those are the core issues revolving around most of the challenges I have in my life. And I'm tired of being subject to their slavery any more.

So last night I decided that I need more structure and accountability to make this work and that through this journey, which up until this point was chronicling my glossy image of things, I can meet these feelings that have haunted my private life and conquer them. I'm teaming up with my wife to journal all things I eat and follow the Weight Watchers flex program. Within that, I'm watching the amount of sugar (and/or sugar substitutes that I ingest in a given day).

I realize that I do not have the strength to do this alone. In that I have to put the uglies out on the table and there will be a faction of you who will will understand this and will want to meet me there and others of you who will not feel that comfort and walk away. Which is fine with me - and I won't think less of you for doing such - life is an ugly business at times. I'm at a point where I'm more interesting in being real with myself and others.

In the mean time I'm off to a good start today - two glasses of water with a three egg omelet with lean ham, onions and green peppers. For my mid morning snack I've had a square of cheese and I feel that this is a true turning point in my life.

Thanks for sticking with me and letting me put it out on the table.