Coming Clean...

I wish that this would be good news to report. In that I would have some glorious reason for not blogging as of late or to have reason to show victory in any shape or form.

But that would not be true.

I have avoided this post because of it is a reflection of who I am and some of what comprises me isn't all that pretty. Along with behaviors and habits that are easy to perform in the dark and are shameful in the light.

There is a secondary portion to this Journey that I've started this year - it has a lot to do with my soul and how I really view myself. For all of the things that I would like to place in front of my friends, family and acquaintances of past successes, glowing qualities and other talents that would typify people who we deem as "got it all together" - I am not that person.


I've been reading a book called "Truefaced" (3 authors: Thrall, Lynch & McNicol) which deals with the Christian faith and leading a life not trying to please God, but to trust God. Which sounds fairly straight forward and to most people of the Christian faith, they would probably unanimously say that they do that. But I haven't. In fact, it's been at the core of some rather unhappiness in my life and bitterness towards religion and faith.

See, when a person lives trying to please God, that person lives a life of masks. No one wants to see someone hurting or struggling with some pretty serious issues in their life. We live the faith trying to do things to make others think that we've got it all together - because of course - problems belong to other people and not ourselves.

Or when we see stories of people hitting bottom where someone has seen the dark side of life with massive struggles with alcohol or drugs. And they tell their stories of being saved and they're inspiring, but almost always incompatible with the lives we lead.

For most of us live in our normal routines and share the realities of our existence with simple phrases like "I'm doing fine!" when in reality all things are not fine.

For what would happen if people found out who I really was? What if they knew that underneath all of the bravado and word craft that I deal with underlying guilt from past decisions, low self esteem and blown self confidence. Who would want to be around someone like that let alone find it in their heart to love someone with that kind of baggage.

That's basically me. Who responds to those underlying issues with eating behaviors and hiding my true nature from those who could really help me.

What I've learned through this discovery is that I am not unique - that everyone has deep issues that surround their lives that bubble to the surface into random behaviors that, as long as they're socially acceptable, no one really seems to mind too much. Such as a person who struggles with their weight.

For me, it's about trust. It's about trusting anyone out there with the true picture of what composes me, Ryan Skeesuck.

My insecurities, self image and confidence are the things that have played havoc with my eating habits. And I've come to a place in my life where I finally recognize that those are the core issues revolving around most of the challenges I have in my life. And I'm tired of being subject to their slavery any more.

So last night I decided that I need more structure and accountability to make this work and that through this journey, which up until this point was chronicling my glossy image of things, I can meet these feelings that have haunted my private life and conquer them. I'm teaming up with my wife to journal all things I eat and follow the Weight Watchers flex program. Within that, I'm watching the amount of sugar (and/or sugar substitutes that I ingest in a given day).

I realize that I do not have the strength to do this alone. In that I have to put the uglies out on the table and there will be a faction of you who will will understand this and will want to meet me there and others of you who will not feel that comfort and walk away. Which is fine with me - and I won't think less of you for doing such - life is an ugly business at times. I'm at a point where I'm more interesting in being real with myself and others.

In the mean time I'm off to a good start today - two glasses of water with a three egg omelet with lean ham, onions and green peppers. For my mid morning snack I've had a square of cheese and I feel that this is a true turning point in my life.

Thanks for sticking with me and letting me put it out on the table.
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I was seduced by a Ranch Hand...

I succumbed. I think I set myself up for failure with posting a damn sign of Burger West and then it got me thinking about it all day long. For those of you who have not had a Burger West Ranch Hand, you are missing out on the creme de la creme of old school drive-in burgers (insert Homer Simpson's "Mmmmmmm...arghhhaaa..." here).

When I was in Junior High, the school had an open campus policy so we could leave the premises at lunch hour and head across the street to said establishment. Back then (circa 1986), a Ranch Hand with Fries was a measly $1.75. I paid $3.75 this week. There's 20+ years of inflation for ya (which, is actually in line with a 3.5% inflationary rate which would lead to a double in price in about 20 years - not that you cared).

The Ranch Hand is a knock-off of a Big Mac, but better. I can't tell you why. And for those who know what I'm talking about probably are in the same predicament. I think it was those early year trots over to BW that lead to a lifetime of addiction. My brother who lives in S. Cal automatically heads to Burger West as soon as he's in town. It just isn't a visit without a Ranch Hand with Fries (or tots in my case), an extra tub of sauce and a scotch and soda. If you're really feeling in the mood, a chocolate malt or shake is also worth the calories.

And yes, it was Divine and I enjoyed every last bit of it. So do I feel guilty? A little, but not nearly as much as you'd think. It will be a while before I have one again, but it sure does bring back a whole lot of memories.

Burger West was started in the 60's as an Artic Circle and in the late 70's they went out on their own retooling the business a bit. It's been family owned the entire time with the daughters running the show nowadays. The establishment itself probably hasn't seen much in the way of any work done to it since it opened and to the uninitiated person, it's really a dive. But here's the stranglehold it has on the local population: a brand spankin' new Sonic went in across the street a couple of years ago and it folded shortly thereafter. BW still keeps chuggin' along.

I'm headed to Portland this weekend to celebrate a wedding of an old friend of mine so I'm sure that I'll blow any semblance of a diet from the beer that will be flowing. But that's OK. It's a marriage celebration! I won't be back until late Monday so I'll do the weigh in on Tuesday.

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Here's another Thursday check in and things are starting off OK. I had a bowl of Kashi Go Lean crunch this morning and some coffee. Today I'm headed over to my home town of Ontario, OR to visit my folks which can lead to some unnecessary snacking (my folks almost always have some sort of "treat" that is readily available to wandering stomach). May the force be with me.

I feel pretty good today despite the lack of consistent sleep last night. I do find that I am pretty tired at the end of a day when I'm watching the kids full time. It's truly amazing how much effort it takes to manage a household as a full time occupation. Cheers to all of you out there that do it.

What I do find is that being tired starts to make my stomach wander. Maybe it's the craving for the sugar lift so that my alertness at least is somewhat coherent. But I'm trying to keep good levels of protein and keep the carbohydrates in check so I don't crash and want more and more sugar-laden things (of which I have a propensity for).

And for you Ontarioites out there who grew up in the confines of O-town, the sweet siren call of my two favorite establishments are hard to resist: Belly Buster and Burger West. Of which, if you haven't had the treat to have eaten at said establishments, then you'll need to make the pilgrimage sometime in your life to eat a Belly Buster Sandwich and a Ranch hand with Fries (or tots!).

I'll let you know how it goes...
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Stranger than fiction...

Now I've taken some physics classes in my life - notably Mr. Thompson's at Ontario High School which I felt was rather comprehensive at the time - only to be usurped for my Physic 113/114 at Idaho wherein Dr. Brown covered all of Mr. Thompson's entire year of learning in the first two weeks. Thank god Dr. Brown graded on a curve or my "stellar" performance would have generated an encore performance of the undesirable type.

In physics, I learned that mass and weight are two different things - that my weight is tied to the gravitational pull of the earth. So where if I were to stand on the Moon's surface, I would weight about 1/3rd as much (I would like to propose the Lunar Pounds-Off Diet where you can instantly loose 2/3rds your weight in a four day trip...). But my mass isn't tied to gravitational pull - it is what comprises my body.

This morning I weighed in again to see if my 246 post Superbowl blow out extravaganza was a reality or some sort of fluke. Or that maybe the earth's gravitational pull has shifted somewhat in my favor, but I weighed in at 241 again. So I had a 5 lbs drop in 24 hours.

I want to know, where does it go? I didn't feel bloated nor do I feel I got rid of it via sweating or other bodily fluids. I had a normal day where I watched what I ate and drank some water. Where does 5 lbs. go?

Anywho - life imitates art and sometimes that art is abstract. Or maybe I just need to brush up on my Physics 101 again.

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I find it rather weird how "eating right" and what I feel is actually doing so aren't always the same thing. And how, after all of this time with diets being tried to all varying degrees that a system hasn't been agreed upon. But maybe that is the crux of the whole thing - that there isn't a universal silver bullet that cures all pains and remedies the waistline. We're all too different to expect much from that.

Take the person who has endocrine issues - a tiny fraction of a change in the thyroid can throw the whole thing off. Or emotional instability. Or genetic predispositions.

But whatever the issue is or could be, it still doesn't take away the ultimate responsibility of the person living with the issue and that a "new normal" may just be that awaited discover. Not that a person has to accept and live with an overweight body, but that self loathing isn't the solution either. You can dislike a resultant body without disliking yourself. To me, it's a consequence of poor decisions that I must remedy through diligence and hard work. And that to expect an immediate result without any effort isn't realistic. I imagine that the time it took to put the weight on will ultimately lead to the same amount of time required to take it off.

Maybe that's the appeal of pills or surgery that it's still avoiding the consequences of one's actions and that tomorrow is still too far away to wait for results.

I'm still looking for the issues of what drives the core decision making that leads to poor food behaviors. And as I uncover these I'll share them with you. Right now, I'm sure it's a bit of learned behavior from my youth and habits I picked up from my family, but also it's in how I choose to handle my emotions in that better management will help as well.

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Weigh in #3 & #4 (slippery slope leads to back sliding)

OK - I would think that being at home would actually spell out for actually more posts due to lack of things to do - but then again, that's me for having no clue to what a stay-at-home mom/dad actually does when there are two kids in the house under the age of three. So I haven't posted in a week or so and I'm behind on my weigh-in's - although I have done them so I'll post last weeks and today's in a combined post and try to get back onto a daily occurrence here.

Last Sunday (January 26th) - I weighed in at 241 so there was no change from the week prior. I'm not going to post those photos since they're they look the same anyway (and I figure you're getting the picture - probably to your dismay).

This week is puzzling (Feb 3rd) - I weighed in this morning at 246. That's up 5 lbs. in one week along with an overall net gain of one pound from when I started! Holy shit. The weird thing is that I don't feel "bigger" or bloated than I did at 245 a couple of weeks ago, but the proof is on the scale upstairs.

I do know that I had haven't been all that great in the last two weeks of actually being accountable. Maybe that has something to do with the frequency of my postings since this blog is only as good as me being honest and sometimes honesty can be avoided by just not posting. Guilt has a good way of reaching into all crevices of a person's life and facing reality is viewed as an admission of said guilt. So to put of posting is a way to avoid being accountable to all of you. For that, I apologize.

The Superbowl was yesterday and I gave myself a "free day" which, in the context of the last week, wasn't all that free other than I ate more yesterday than I have in a while. We had chili, cheese, artichoke dip with toasted brushetta, frosted banana bars, sugar cookies, soda, beer... You get the picture. Probably around 2000 calories just in the afternoon let along the morning and the snacking leading up to the party we hosted.

So it's possible that I'm retaining water to account for some of the weight gain and my wife had suggested that maybe I do another weigh in tomorrow morning to see if anything has changed. But it's really not the point. To be successful requires some dedication to the cause and that requires discipline.

I have somehow convinced myself that it's just a matter of thermodynamics - just eating less than I consume and the pounds should come off. That's true in every physical sense, but in that without an actual food journal for daily accountability, the "mental" notes of what's gone into the gullet aren't nearly as accurate. And when the memory slips, so do things into the mouth.

But I also have struggled with a cold turkey approach since I end up being governed by the long list of previously enjoyed foods that are now banned for life.

So I'm torn - I've found success on the South Beach Diet in the past and I've been recommended the Body For Life program. I'm thinking that the later may be the better plan (I own the book but haven't initiated the program in the past).

It's time to get back on the horse. I started off today with a bowl of oatmeal (which is filling) but I haven't planned out the rest of my eating plan today yet. Maybe I need to look at it as whole week plan so that my meals are in line with my goals and objectives.

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Tardiness...

Wow, I've been a bit behind lately. You'd think that being at home would allow for more time on the computer, but I've found that when I'm Mr. Mom and watching two children under the age of 3 makes for a lot of "other" activities of which don't involve much quality time arranging thoughts on the computer. Have you ever tried to type with a 16 month old boy on your lap? Not easy.

I apologize for my tardiness on posts. I'm working on getting a good window each day so I can report better.

This past week has been interesting and I haven't been following my daily intake as closely. So I'm a little apprehensive about my weigh in today. I haven't done it yet since I had an early AM meeting across town this morning and I literally got up and ran out the door (benefits for a non-working life where casual is king). I just got home a little bit ago and haven't even been back upstairs to arrange for my weekly subjugation to humility.

I'm wondering that maybe I would benefit from a more structured approach to dieting (watching what I eat). I'm finding it surprisingly (maybe not surprisingly after all) easy to just "go" through a day and not have a structured plan. This past week was also full of unplanned days for eating which lead to not paying much attention to what actually when in the ol' mouth.

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Exercise Evation (for now)

I'm finding that time has become a factor for getting on this computer and posting my daily food journal. And since that's been a factor, I haven't been as diligent in recording every single thing - but I am happy to say that I've been much more conscious about what I'm stuffing in my mouth. Mainly from the standpoint of not just "eating" for eating's sake. But I've still felt I could enjoy some of the things that I've enjoyed in the past, just watching the amount (all things are OK in moderation, right?).

For instance, I love chocolate - I can binge on the sweetness like there's no tomorrow, but I've learned that a dozen chocolate chips gets that craving off my back - or a big glass of water. Dry roasted peanuts have been great along with small slices of cheese when I'm craving a snack.

Still an issue is going too long between meals - we had tacos last night and I didn't eat from noon until almost 7p so by the time we actually sat down to eat, I inhaled the first taco (that I only intended to eat) and moved onto another. It's definitely a battle if I don't go into a meal well armed with a pregame snack.

Exercise has still eluded me. I've gone on a couple of walks around my neighborhood - not necessarily for the purpose of exercise but mainly to clear my head as I've been dealing with my job "opportunities" (wow, talk about a black hole for work right now...). Trying not to get caught up in the worry about things so I don't justify some food binging just to make myself "feel" better for the very short window of eating (quickly followed by the crappy feeling in my gut).

I've had lots of offers from my friends to join them on their own exercise routines. I have been very leery of doing such mainly from some past bad experiences. Several years ago, I was on another health kick and started running but had only been doing so for a couple of weeks. I was invited to go running with a couple of marathoners who were on a "cool down" run directly following a marathon they ran the Sunday before. I tagged along only to find myself wheezing terribly from trying to keep up with their "slow" pace.

I also had a similar experience with a mountain bike adventure - where I was spent from the ride across town not to mention that we hadn't even started the actual ride. I had to turn back.

I really do want to participate and those of you out there that have already found your groove may not realize just how conditioned you actually are compared to the killer couch potato writing this here blog. I'm working to get there, I promise.

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Weigh in #2 (PROGRESS!)

Adjusting to my new schedule - or lack there of - is making computer time less of a priority so I apologize for my lack of posts over the last few days. Weekends are harder to be around for (at least the last few) and since I'm at home during the day, opportunities to just screw around on the box aren't as important as more meaningful tasks like playing with the kids. Just as I'm writing this, my 16 month old son keeps running up to me and yelling "DA DA" and running away (sweet music!).

Lately I haven't been as strict as I was in week one. I was more relaxed in week two and now at the end of week three I'm finding a more comfortable groove. The main thing that I've cut out that I don't seem to miss are eating out (a lot), soda and candy. Maybe it's a product of being at home where I can grab a handful of peanuts or a small slice of cheese when hunger strikes. When I was commuting to work or I when I was bored from sitting in front of the computer all day, I would slip out and grab candy and a soda for a "snack". Usually consisting of at least a 32oz of diet soda and three candy bars - probably to the tune of 1,000 calories or more.

Drinking enough water lately is a bit harder - I find that I end up binging on water at the end of the day instead of drinking it more consistently throughout the day. Its something that I need to remember and drink more often.

Some of the quality of meals lately haven't been all that great. I did eat out for a burger on Friday for lunch, but skipped most of the fries. I didn't eat much for dinner to help off set the hunk of calories I had. To be honest, it tasted "good" and not "great". Pizza was also in the menu (again) this week same with Chinese food and a really awesome apple pies that I baked late last week. Seems like there are too many social events that revolve around these things in my life. Pizza is especially tough. Eating just one or two slices is really hard for me - good pizza is awesome and it's easy to just have "one more slice" without really thinking about it.

All in all, despite some not-so-great food choices, this week's weigh in is encouraging. I'm down to 241 pounds or an additional drop of 3 pounds this week which puts me at minus 4 since I started. It's a nice feeling to see something moving along after last week's weigh in of only missing one pound.

I feel that I'm still moving towards my goal(s) when I'm averaging around 2 pounds per week. Which, at that rate, should get me near my overall weight target around June.

I do have to say that a routine life does make it a bit easier once the good habits are instilled. Mainly from having the regiment of eating at certain times and keeping myself distracted enough not to over eat. Since I'm currently in flux with my day's plans - it does make it a bit harder for me to remember to do things - or as I've found out lately that some of my over eating at meals comes from skipping a snack and/or water intake and having my blood sugar drop too low where I eat too much. I just have to remember to keep some type of intake going throughout my day so I don't put myself into a hole come dinner time.

I will be excited to crest the 240 mark (this time in the right direction) and eventually marking off the 230 point as well.

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Day #9/#10 - Costa Vida!

Well, I've been a bit of a blogger slacker the last 48 hours. I do have to report that I've been eating pretty well. Now that I have a decent idea about how many calories are in the typical foods that I like to eat, I'm making better and better choices throughout the day.

One big thing was not to "drink" my calories. Seems silly to consume 180 calories in a 12 can of soda (or anything else) so I've stuck with water or sugar free Koolaid. Coffee has been a staple for most days but it's been a few days since I've had a soda. And I don't really miss it.

Tonight we had Ronzoni pasta (the one that whole wheat with extras infused in) with a hodgepodge spaghetti sauce and very lean ground beef. I only had a small portion with some steamed corn. Kind of nice. Lunch was a meal out - small sweet port salad at Costa Vida (I LOVE that place) and water. Breakfast was Kashi Go Lean and skim milk. So I'm somewhere around the 1500 mark for caloric intake.

I'm adapting to a new life schedule since I'm not working at a job right now. So my days are a little weird. I can tell you that I don't miss the commute at all and a side effect can be some pent up hours here at home where there's a full pantry of goodies that sometimes sing their siren call. But I've done well to avoid it - even with my wife making chocolate chip cookies the other night - I was able to let myself enjoy a couple and call it a day.

The Food Network is also kind of fun to watch - I'm becoming a lot more interested in the quality of the food I eat and I'm getting the itch to try out some light and tasty recipes (isn't there a whole magazine for that?).

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Weigh in #1 (the real weigh in #1)

Hmmmm... For restarting my diet and then slipping this weekend, I've actually come out slightly ahead. According to my very "scientific" scale (which I'm sure you all have in your bathrooms), I'm down one pound to 244 lbs. Not impressive, but at least going in the right direction.

I'm still kind of recovering from my sugar binge this weekend where my body isn't really happy with my slip up and now I've got to get it back to where it likes me again. I noticed while I was eating the chocolate that it didn't really feel all that good to eat it (not like it did in the past). Plus I had some serious heartburn that night (which could be from a number of things - including dinner that was served). But for me, it felt it was from the overindulgence of chocolate.

I guess what's more important in how I'm feeling today. I had a bowl of Kashi cereal for breakfast and I'm feeling much better and that the rest of day will get better with the quality of food I'm planning for today.

So here are my photos from the actual real first weight in. Last week's post was labeled this, but it was really the baseline with no diet change. These are the first photos from my efforts and from here on out I'll number them as such.

Still, not pretty and not much has changed (I'm looking forward to the time lapse sometime this summer). I do feel less bloated that before where I don't feel my stomach bulging out as far nor do I feel so "toxic" if a person can feel that way.

There is a lot of difficulty in our lives to combat bad food choices. Especially when family is involved. So many bad habits have come from the types of comfort food that I've found myself enjoying over the years (well, almost my entire life). And when I'm in an environment that has only those for choices, then I'm finding less and less will power. Plus this event happened in the very first weekend of my new program so I wasn't really setting myself up for success.

But as I posted last night, it's not the fact that I slipped - I need to forgive myself of letting myself down - but to brush it aside and learn from it so I can plan for these types of events in the future.

My wife and I were talking about this as I'm writing this and one thing that she brought up was how easy it is to keep on binging once the "guard" is dropped and that first handful of candy is eaten that how unconsciously additional portions are just eaten. Without any thought at all to what we're doing.

It takes quite a bit of discipline to be only have a taste and leave it at that and that I hope that over time it isn't such a battle to be around all of those old comfort foods.

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Day #5/#6 - I did a bad, bad thing....

Well, I can't give you a food post for these two days because it wouldn't be pretty to report. I blew it this weekend with too many of my favorite temptations on hand sitting in cute little bowls at my parent's house this weekend. I just got home late Sunday night and I'm not looking forward to my weigh in tomorrow morning.

As I've stated before, I've got a penchant for chocolate sweets and my mom had bowlful of M&M's, wrapped Hershey chocolates, pie, cookies, brownies... ugh. Self control for me once that taste hits my mouth goes out the door and I find myself eating far too many of them mainly just because they're there.

It is a disappointing end to an otherwise good start. But as with attempts in the past where I would have just chucked it all - I feel that I will just pick myself up tomorrow morning and move on. It wasn't a good weekend of food choices, but one thing that I'm certain about is that it isn't the end of the world and there is no need to scrap this plan over a stupid set of foods I ate.

So my weigh-in tomorrow may show absolutely nothing for my previous efforts - or maybe even a back slide further in the wrong direction - but that's OK. I'll keep pressing on and with no family get-togethers planned for a really long time, I should be able to have better control of the menus in the next couple of months.

For all of you out there that slide from time to time, just let it go and know that tomorrow is a new day. It is for me.

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Dealing with Life Challenges...

You know that life just hands you a new set of cards when the deck gets shuffled and the cards end up in your hand. I'm not a poker player since I've got no ability to keep a straight face no matter what the cards (wow look! Aces!), but the truly unique part about it is that every hand is a winner and every hand is a loser. It's all in how you play the cards that you've got.

A novice player would read the odds and fold when the cards sucked - but experienced players can take nothing and work the environment (the other players) to milk a much better result than if he just threw is money away. I kind of feel that's what I'm up against right now in my own life.

What I'm finding out is that (as I wrote yesterday) that when things are out of control, it is nice to feel comfort in those things that you do. For me, it's to keep positive since nothing good has ever come out of panicking - so for that I can choose to stay focused on the good things. In secondary areas - having some feeling of control of my diet is a positive change that lends quite a bit of confidence to me. Maybe it's coupled with the positive attitude to make a rather formidable duo, but in the end it seems to be working.

The other part of this is that I've been through this before, plus I've had several jobs at different companies over my career and the one thing that I've been able to pull out of this is that my job/career doesn't define me as a person and change can be dealt with.

It's actually kind of funny when you think about what we do in a cultural setting in this country. How often when you meet someone new do you automatically go to the question: "So, what do you do (for a living)?" As if their answer will somehow give us insight into their abilities, talents and qualities as a person.

I have been striving to split that from my exisitence so that my job is not the center of my life nor should it be my moniker (Ryan = Architect). I would much rather have people know me for who I really am than what tasks I performed. I think of Thomas Jefferson's tombstone where he posted his accomplishments in his life (founding the University of Virginia) and not his jobs (President). Which has a greater legacy of impact?

So this is an "earthquake" (as another friend has so eloquently put it) and when things get shaken up, life heads in a new direction. Even though realities of the disaster are tough to deal with in the short run, it is in the long run that catastrophic changes influence and shape.

So in that light, I am finding excitement because it's a new journey to unfold.

As it comes to how I deal with my emotions - especially in the past when I would cave to gorging on unhealthful things - it is an important step to find other means for dealing with how I feel and not let my blood sugar levels dictate my mood. It's not an easy process, but it is an important growth in my life and a cornerstone to my future success as a fit and healthful person.

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Day #4 (slip ups and the art of social peer pressure)

Today was a big test for two reasons: #1 - it's a Friday and good habits are usually discarded on this day since it's the end of the week (especially newly forming habits) and #2 - I'm attending a mini family reunion with my brother and his family along with my sister in town over at my parent's house. Since they arrived today, we had lunch out (first time out on my new plan) and dinner out. I found out the hard way that without going into the day with a plan, it gets harder.

Lunch was to be at Red Robin - not necessarily known for their healthful menu (the place sells the Royal Red Robin Burger that has a 1/3 lb patty, cheese, bacon and a fried egg). Two issues around this - lunch was going to be later in the day for me (I usually like to eat around 11:30-noon) and it was to be at 1p so my blood sugar got a little low getting close to the time but I was able to scope out what I was going to order before I got there (Whiskey River BBQ chicken wrap with a side salad).

Dinner was a disaster. We were planning to go out but at the last minute we decided to get a Papa Murphy's pizza instead. We ate it at my house so I could have chosen to eat something else, but I didn't. Plus with having a large pizza sitting there in front of me, it was harder to maintain much self control. I didn't go too overboard, but it wasn't a good meal for me.

I recovered for the rest of the evening and now it's late and I'm going OK.

Here's today's food menu:

Breakfast:

Kashi Go Lean Crunch (my favorite!) w/ skim milk (300 cal)

Snack:

Fiber One protein bar (150 cal)
1 bottle of water

Lunch:

Red Robin Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap (379 cal)
Side salad with very small portion of poppy seed dressing (approx 220 cal)
2 glasses of water

Snack:

Dry roasted peanuts (2 handfuls) (approx 150 cal)

Dinner:

2 slices Papa Murphy's pepperoni pizza (560 cal)
1 slice Papa Murphy's Hawaiian pizza (280 cal)
1 12 oz Sprite (180 cal)

Snack:

Popcorn - approx 3 cups (200 cal)

Daily total: 2419 calories. Not good.

Some of you have asked me privately about my calorie counts this week. I was surprised myself that I was feeling and doing fine on around 1400 calories. Yesterday was low (under 1300) which really came from skipping a snack due to dealing with personal business. I did feel pretty hungry this morning when I woke up and had to eat right away coupled with the late lunch, my blood sugar felt pretty low around 11:30a this morning so I pushed it too far.

Today's count is actually closer to what I can consume (according to the calorie calculators I've used) to slightly loose at my current height/weight. So I didn't really slip too far, just in comparison to the other days in the week, I blew it by 1000 calories. Which wasn't all that hard to do.

I need to be better prepared into these types of days. Especially this weekend where I'll be staying with my parents tomorrow night and it's a typical buffet of snacks available there. Staying on top of it when you don't get to drive the bus on the meal makes it very difficult to make it work.

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Day #3

Well - so far I haven't let the stress of my personal life ransack my eating plans. Although I didn't have the best of meals for dinner tonight. I was laid off from my job today and that has pushed me into a whole new world of what to do next (although I knew that it was more-than-likely to happen sometime soon). It's kind of funny, I'm not really sure where the next stone in my walking path will be, but I have faith that it will just work out. It has in the past.

In the mean time, I've resisted the temptation to trash my eating plan out of spite and engorge in some feel-good food. In all actuality, I believe that this step of sticking to my plan is the one thing that has helped me deal with the stress - it's an area that I feel I've got a little bit of control over (funny how that came about!). And that if I can stay on task, the rest of my turmoil will be a much smoother ride than if I had experienced this even a week prior. Timing is everything (Divine providence? You decide)

This is what I had to eat today:

Breakfast:

Kashi Cinnamon Harvest w/ skim milk (300 cal) - this is really good BTW
Starbucks house coffee with skim milk and Splenda (0 cal)

Snack:

None - I was being laid off at this point :-(

Lunch:

Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs (300 cal)
Side salad with Italian Dressing (75 cal)
1 12 oz Diet Pepsi (0 cal)
1 cheese stick (60 cal)

Snack:

Cheese stick (60 cal)
Water

Dinner:

1 large Tyson breaded chicken strip (200 cal)
10 tater tots - w/ fry sauce for dipping (approx 225)
Green beans (40 cal)
1 glass Crystal Light Lemonade

Snack:

Nothing - just water

Daily total: 1260 calories.

I'm a little hungry but I'm going to stave it off with some water tonight. No exercise either (hey, I've got time now! I guess that's a benefit)

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Day #2 (day of days...)

Well,it's been an interesting day. A lot of personal stuff that has added a new layer of temporary stress onto my life, but surprising to say that food hasn't been the homing beacon that I'm used to. It did cross my mind today to just skip out on the lunch I packed and bury it all in a greasy cheeseburger, but I was able to stay focused on my goals.

Like I said, I'm an emotional eater so when things are stressful, it makes me venerable. But in the past, I didn't have a structured system to protect me when I was at my weakest like I have created now so old actions are now reviewed under the lens of making a sound decision. It's one thing to cheat on yourself, it's a whole different story to cheat on everyone!

Eating yesterday went pretty darn well. No real issues to report other than I got hungry late last night and that my stomach is still wondering where all of the junk it's used to processing has gone. It may decide to revolt on my later, but I'll just deal with it when (and if) it happens.

Here's Wednesday's recap:

Breakfast:

Kashi Cinnamon Harvest Cereal with Skim Milk (300 cal)
Coffee with sugar free creamer and Splenda (50 cal)

Snack:

Just water

Lunch:

Lean Cuisine Spaghetti with Meat Sauce (290 cal)
String Cheese (60 cal)
Side Salad with fat free Italian Dressing (75 cal)
1 12 oz Diet Pepsi
Water

Snack:

Fiber One protein bar (150 cal)
32 oz water

Dinner:

Salmon with lemon pepper seasoning (190 cal)
Uncle Ben's Whole Grain mushroom rice pilaf (190 cal)
3 small carrot sticks with 1 TBSP Ranch dipping (70 cal)
Cooked green beans (40 cal)
1 glass water
1 glass Crystal Light Lemonade

Snack:

1/2 cup popcorn (30 cal)
water

Total calories for the day is 1445!

I do feel pretty good but deciphering hunger vs. thirst is a bit of a new mystery. I haven't been a very good water drinker before this and now I'm not really sure where that line is drawn. I'm erring on the side of just being thirsty.

No exercise yet - a lot of great advice about different programs or training to undertake. I'm wanting to get through this first month before I commit to the next big step.

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The angel of accountability...

Day two is going rather well. I am absolutely floored by the responses I've been getting back - either posted to this blog or sent to me privately. It's very humbling.

What I have struggled with in the past as I've attempted weight loss programs before is the accountability. My personality doesn't seem to do well when the only person holding the strings is me. I can outmaneuver myself like the best of them. Mainly through thinly applied logic and veiled reasoning. If you can imagine the whole angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and the devil is a crafty attorney-type (my apologies to my attorney friends) who can manipulate words into the sweet honey I want to hear and believe - that is literally the battle that goes on.

Plus my personality is sort of (well it really is) the all-or-nothing type. Any in between feels like hypocrisy and I don't like that AT ALL. So when a diet or fitness regiment has started in the past, it would get rolling until the first set back and then I would just call it off based upon that. Pretty silly huh? But that's what I've used to quit in the past.

I'm in the process of reprogramming myself into understanding and believing what defines success. A path to success has set backs - it's just life. It's literally potholed with two steps forward, one step backs. But as they say - there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. I can know that it has set backs, but working through them is the key.

Now I can draw all sorts of parallel scenarios for how this applies to my life (for that, you'll need to visit my other blog). I'm truly amazed and how I can be my own worst enemy and rob myself of joy due to selfish pride and simple acknowledgement that I need help to do this.

The accountability of having this public keeps it firmly out of the grasp of shelving this project again. And many of you have already threatened me if I quit (yes folks, I do need that from time to time).

I feel great and hunger is being curbed today with water in between meals. I'm about to head into the dreaded afternoon slump so wish me luck...

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The first day...

Well - I made it through my first day. It was just a Tuesday, but typical of any day that's filled with temptations of old habits. I was able to avoid any real pitfalls with no sweets for me. And, by drinking so much water, I actually felt pretty full all day (so did my bladder).

I had a couple of pangs of snack attack later on in the evening, but nothing too serious. This morning I was able to get up and eat a sensible breakfast.

I didn't do any exercise yesterday - I am getting some great feedback from all of you for different ideas of what has either worked for yourself or for loved ones who have undertaken this type of life change. I am considering all of the advice and will pick out something that looks like I'll be able to enjoy and make into a lifestyle habit.

This is what I had to eat yesterday:

Breakfast:

Bowl of Frosted Miniwheats (I know frosted...) w/ skim milk (approx 300 cal)
Coffee, w/ sugar free French Vanilla creamer and Splenda (approx 50 cal)

Lunch:

Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs (very good) entree (300 cal)
Side Salad with 1 TB Kraft Catalina dressing (70 cal)
1 12oz can of Diet Pepsi (0 cal)

Afternoon Snack:

Nothing - just water

Dinner:

1 small bowl of homemade vegetable beef stew (approx 220 cal)
2 small bran muffins (130 cal each - 260 total)
1 string cheese (60 cal)
Dinner salad with fat free Kraft Italian dressing (approx 60 cal)
2 glasses of water

Snack:

1 cup popcorn (45 cal)
1/2 string cheese (30 cal)
1 glass water

First day total: (approximately) - 1395 calories. This is over 400 less than my daily goal.

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Progress

Well, so far so good and I'm not racked by my typical afternoon sugar induced cravings. Afternoons are a bad time for me anyway - I get bored at work and sleepy from my interrupted sleep patterns (parents of small children out there - you know what I'm talking about) and some chocolate candy bar(s) are a quick fix. Although I rarely feel better afterwards - mainly guilty.

I would be lying if I didn't say that a trip over to the Maverick Store hadn't crossed my mind but I was able to avoid that temptation to head in there and purchase anything. All I can tell you is thank god for sugar free gum.

A little side effect from a new regiment in drinking more water: needing a restroom near by. Today I feel that I've got a hamster bladder. Read more!

Weigh-in #1 (the awful truth...)

It has been an agonizing 24 hours now that I've launched the site and people have visited. I even put off taking the photos until this morning because maybe, just maybe I could procrastinate just a little longer...

But no.

Change doesn't happen tomorrow, it starts the minute a person makes the choice to change. It doesn't have to be tied to a particular day of the week or under certain circumstances - what I'm choosing to believe is that change needs to be grasped when it apparent to me that it needs to happen. Well, at least that's what I'm telling myself - I still waited overnight to do the dirty work.

OK - here it is. I'm choosing to look at the 800 lb Gorilla in the room and unfortunately it's me. Well, it's not 800 lbs, but it might as well be. I have reached a new high (or low point) of 245 pounds. I have never been this heavy in my life. I am 6’-1” and I have a 42 inch waist and as you can see from the pictures, it's not a pretty sight. I have a lot of work to do.

I can tell you that by taking the photos and going through with this has brought new immediacy to the choices I've been used to making. I had a bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast with some skim milk and coffee with sugar free creamer and Splenda. I have packed a Lean Cuisine lunch with a salad and a small amount of dressing (1/2 of what I would normally do).

I don't have details worked out yet - such as how to fit in any meaningful exercise. I'm going to try to do some basic calisthenics tonight since I don't have a gym membership and the weather is terrible for doing anything outside.

So this is me - all of me (well, at least that I can legally publish). My warts and all.

I'm not proud of this - it's embarrassing and humiliating and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to think of what my friends and family will/do think. Pride is a tough thing to swallow. But I also know that fat covered by a shirt still is fat and I'm fooling no one. The only fool has been me to put this off for so long.

I have this idea of myself - one that doesn't look like this - but one that mirrors my own self confidence that shows itself in so many other ways - just not in my appearance. I've never really considered myself a vain person and have minimally invested in clothing or other trends - I stay somewhat updated from the sole inspiration from my wife. I just haven't cared.

This is probably the big reason of why I’ve found myself here today.

The thing is that I do care. I care that I am healthy for my family. I care that I can set an example for my children for healthy choices and lead by example to them. Without that change, it’s a lot like the Pope bitching out Catholics from the balcony of a whorehouse. I have to live it.

I actually feel inspired today. 2009 is going to be a great year. I believe that.

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The dark before the dawn...

I'm a little nervous. I've been thinking of putting together this very public blog for a while now to make myself accountable to friends, family and a whole lot of (possible) strangers who will get to see me in my most unflattering of lights. Tonight I plan to take photos of me as I am right now and post them as my baseline.

I am nervous because it's a side of me that I am not proud of nor am I really wanting to have in the public eye. I am self conscious about how I look and am of course not excited about my worst attributes being put on display. But I also know that the rewards of my public battle will ultimately be the best thing for me.

My goal is find my abs. I suspect they're somewhere under there. I've never seen them in all of my years. Whatever weight that ends up being, then that's what it is so I don't have a particular weight goal in mind, but I do know that I have a lot of work (and time) to get finally get there. I will not do this at the expense of my health - the overall goal is to find fitness - both physically and mentally so that my inner self image and my outer align. But I still want to see my abs.

I've had this planned for a while now, but I've actually been putting this off for a while because I'm scared of this idea of mine - and that it happens to be in a New Year's Resolution window is maybe coincidence - or maybe it just seems the right thing to do.

I want to do a weekly weigh in with updated photos. Over time, I'll do recaps to see how I've done - hopefully more for the better than the worse. First posting should be in the morning! Read more!